party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
