i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
