I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Enjoy the penises
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have tasted many bathrooms
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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