when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
