I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
