He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Small penises have feelings too.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
