the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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