I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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