a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
