I will die if light touches me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
