Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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