I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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