I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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