Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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