I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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