can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
