Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
