Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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