Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize