4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
