Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
