If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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