You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
