not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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