I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
