If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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