I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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