just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
its liver damage thursday
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
