If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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