Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
