I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
