I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
