If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
