Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
