Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
