Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
