The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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