i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it was like eating out sand paper
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
