yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
