I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
