apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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