Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize