I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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