I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
