I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
