smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i wish my penis had a tongue
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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