I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
