Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
