So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
