He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
