Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize