My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
