i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
