after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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