we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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