you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
