I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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