I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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