after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize